Don't know you got till its gone

This past month has been one hell of a whirlwind. I got sick with food poisoning at some Chinese run sushi place. After the initial shock and stomach upset I was thrown into a hole. Over the next few weeks I had to start and stop medication, go to the ER 3 or 4 times, run multiple blood tests, and still everything was normal. My stomach sitll has not recovered and I have lost 15 lbs since June. What a crazy thing to happen, I was just ready to start getting back to normal...and going around. My immune system has been in the trash so I am getting sick if I eat out. rough stuff, but I am still trying to find some light. A good friend of mine who is fighting chronic illness for decades now has been my guide to this new world. There is lots of bleakness in this affair, and with no money or resources and a shoddy treatment plan it gives me even less hope. She is so bad ass and resilient to a lot of BS and all the pain and suffering, but even then we are all human. She told me, "It just isn't fair, but it is not my place to know why this happened. But damn it it is not fair."

We can be 2 different kinds of people when dealing with tragedy and I have been both but tend to stick to one side more. The woe is me card is one that is easy to play. No one has a reason for the pain and heartache that sickness or tragedy brings to peoples lives, but sitting around asking will not solve anything. Although it is so easy to do. And then there are the people who are cool even when they are dying. You get to a point where you have to resolve yourself to death. Where if you do not make it, its ok. There is no more struggle and fighting. It will be over, you don't wish for it but you don't try and resist it. It is a strange feeling. Many times sitting on the ER bed I have thought that it was time, and I was ok with it. I admire the people who can say screw it and just be in the moment. Because when it comes to living with this shit you can only live minute by minute.

I also started a fund raiser and already got some money! It is a good day today. Hope everything works out. I never knew I had so many people who cared about me.