Mari

"Come with me." You said as you cried in my arms
"It's alright, I'm right here. Don't worry about it..."
But then you said you had been through this
when we were in your car
We crossed the ocean together
We spent years apart
We said yes
You taught me so much so fast
Im sorry I couldnt be what you needed

I just wanted to be normal and love you
But I will always play music
Because even if you didnt want to marry a musician
you wanted me to play music

Jane Doe

500 feet in the air, with the wind blasting in my face

Every nerve is firing from head to toe

I was scared to go but you were there

Part of me wanted to be like you

and part of me didn't want to be left behind

When we did it more and more it got easier and easier

When we did it more and more we came together

The electricity that happened in the sky followed us to the ground

It was primal, instinct, something that I needed more of

When we went home it continued

I'm not sorry for who I am

or how I do things

I know that no one seems to understand how my process works, or how the thoughts in my head formulate

I know you did, but you didn't agree although I tried to be something better, or different

I just want to grow, and I just want to feel

But these things aren't had easily, and neither were you

It is time to move on

You were then and I am now

Sometimes you meet people in life who aren't ready for you

and you aren't ready for them

If I could only stop my head from saying these things I would

But I will remember your beauty in chaos

Your strength in pain

and your desire to create your own everything

Why do people leave? I think it just happens

Why do people leave me? I think it just happens

I am tired of trying to figure it out

I can't be your sunshine

I can't be your anchor

I can't be your everything

I can be me

I am strong

I am weak

I am a genius

I am mad

I am every opposite end of every spectrum that cannot be balanced

Teetering on the edge of chaos and peace

I am the only one of me who has been through pain and heartache

of losing myself as well as you

But I can walk, I can breathe, even though my body is not what it seems

I do not need a pass, a pardon, or an excuse

But now I have only 5 hours to do what I have to do and that will take longer than that

So get out of my head, because I have a ton of shit to do

A Toast for this Post

How does one love?
Is it too little?
Is it too much?
Its good that you know how to love
But perhaps its too much
I find myself trying to formulate these thoughts into art
Trying to mold this pain that everyone feels into art
Bleeding to let out this pain I call art
So that someday someone will see it and say
"That's how I feel."
And that feeling will happen
and their eyes will start to water
and their skin will start to crawl
and their stomach will turn
and their heart will burn
Maybe I can let some of this go to them
Or maybe it will just make more
Where do I plug in?
Where do I turn off?
Where do I empty out?
Or is it a who?
As soon as I lay down I have to move
As soon as I stop I have to go
One thing I really want to know
is how not to think about it so much
I wanted to be happy and ignorant like everyone else
But I'm beginning to think everyone is just fooling themselves
I was never meant to belong or be apart
But somehow I find myself here
Amongst the elite

I wonder why they leave
because I wonder why they came in the first place

Honestly

I'll tell you. Honestly, what I feel. I feel a hole inside. I don't know how to fill this hole, but I try. This hole occupies my mind, and my heart. It never leaves me, even though I know it shouldnt be there. It keeps me awake, and it never lets me rest. I am always looking to fill it, and I seek things that can't, I trust people who can't. I expect something that isn't there. This hole has been there my whole life. It has always kept me awake, in those dark nights. I thought it was someone, I thought it was something. But at the end, when I come back I find the only thing that can. I find my bass, I find my hands, and I find who I am. I cannot satisfy everyone, because it is hard enough to satisfy myself. There are things that patch it, that can sustain the momentum, but at the end there is still this hole, and I want to fill it. I try to with music. I try to with my soul, but...is all. I wonder if there is a fix for this hole, I wonder if Im not pursing my life in vain. Because this hole runs deep. and it is painful. Its hard to not let it bleed out, and stop the flow. But honestly I just want to know, if someday this hole will stop bleeding, and if I can feel whole.