Every once an a while I get hit with the why do I play music question. At first perhaps my intentions were impure, you might want to play to be good, or be popular, or become it seems cool. But whatever that reason was it has vanished. It has become an obsession that knows no limit. It has consumed my everday thoughts and actions, maybe I am getting to close....maybe this is what drives people too crazy. I am not sure what to say or do about, but it has been getting bothersome.
I play for that feeling, that makes you have goosebumps, and makes you light headed, your heart beat faster, and to be able to express yourself without the need for judgement. But for some reason it has become all about that. I get glmipses, of where my playing is what it could be. Or who I am turning into, but most of the time it is relfecting on the outcome. I feel a pressure and I don't know what to do with it. I am reading Effortless Mastery right now and thank god someone else feels this way. I hate being judged, but I do it all the time. I need to be kind to myself...if I don't play great then I need to let it go...
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Everything happens for a reason?
It has been said many times before by many people all over the world. How many people take it to heart? Most people I hear say these things are talking about someone else s tragedy. They hear about it and nod and say the mantra that has been passed down for ages. I wonder who came up with it...Did the person who did really have a tragedy happen or something that forced them to grow in their life? I believe everything does happen for a reason. There are different extents. You get fat because you eat too much, or you get tired because you don't sleep too much.. But then there is the reason people say it. You lose your fiance, you don't get that job, or you can't go to school. Some of those things are common for a lot of people, but then there are the things that really force you to not say everything happens for a reason. Genocide, chronic illness, rape, slavery, corruption, conspiracy....
In my case I had a severe experience with Lyme. I lost my friends, my fiance, my school, my music, my life for a few years. I am thankful it is coming back. But it is hard to accept it. Someways I feel good about what I have done, and where I have gone. I think I am proudest of the person I have evolved into. Life isn't the same anymore, and it never will be. I think I've talked about it before but it is like the first time you found out the tooth fairy is fake, Santa isn't real, all dogs don't go to heaven (haha) But there is a lesson in everything. I think these horrible things happen to teach us. To keep us human. Not everyone responds, hell most people don't respond. If it isn't on their radar or affecting them personally they really don't give a shit. But then there are the minority who understand, or at least try to. It truly is the human spirit. People struggling to be, and to achieve what they can in the face of trials. Sometimes for some people that struggle is just be be. Not to be famous, or rich, or popular, or successful. But simply to be able to wake up and walk, or eat, or talk, or enjoy a movie. People don't like to think about these things but I try and make them.
I was in the hospital one time. My heart was failing. It had been a rough battle and I was very sick of fighting. I really didn't want to continue. I received my last rights from my priest at the church my dad goes to. I saw him the other day and he gave me communion and we talked. I wasn't a very avid believer in God before I got ill, but now I have a faith. Because at the end of the day whether it be God or Buddha or whatever that is all there is. There is nothing definite, nothing positive in this world. It is ever changing and unforgiving at times. But there are diamonds in the rough. He told me that everyone has a plan, and that it wasn't my time. I had more work to do. I honestly believe that. I feel like a purpose has been laid out for me. I took something from the bad, and I think that is why everyone happens for a reason. I get it now. I don't want to sound like a cocky asshole but I look past the bullshit for what it is. Bullshit. And there is so much of it in everyday life, some necessary and most not. These things happen in life to teach us, to keep us human, compassionate, and kind to each other. Still most people ignore it, but I'm not doing it for them. I am doing it for me.If the message I send never gets heard I will still write it, because it is what I need to do. I really appreciate the people who do get it, and I can filter out the BS with them. I dunno man, I feel like I am spewing a lot of bull, but whatever. I know I have work to do. I just need this vessel of my body to be able to keep up with my heart and spirit. It's like reaching for a note but you miss it by a half step. You can still get the point across, but you still need to work to be able nail next time...or just move down a fret :)
I feel like Jazz has taught me a lot about these lessons too. It is all interconnected. What a beautiful art form man, truly a gift from the gods. Some people don;t dig it because there aren't good lyrics, or it's outdated, or whatever. Fuck that man, this is gold. Never have I met such good people and such raw energy coming from any other facet of life. It is intangible but the most exhilarating experience ever. But it is the same with the bigger picture, most people don't want to see it. But those who do....are special. I just hope that I can use these busted ass hands and this warped brain of mine to make something that can make people go "Wow" and hopefully start to get it, whatever it is. I guess it is a lot to ask for, but I love that energy.
Just remember how lucky you are, yes you reading this. Everything does happen for a reason, and please don't let that reason be a waste.
On a side note I am happy to be starting school again and playing lot. It has been a while since I've been in a music program.. Best times of my life.
In my case I had a severe experience with Lyme. I lost my friends, my fiance, my school, my music, my life for a few years. I am thankful it is coming back. But it is hard to accept it. Someways I feel good about what I have done, and where I have gone. I think I am proudest of the person I have evolved into. Life isn't the same anymore, and it never will be. I think I've talked about it before but it is like the first time you found out the tooth fairy is fake, Santa isn't real, all dogs don't go to heaven (haha) But there is a lesson in everything. I think these horrible things happen to teach us. To keep us human. Not everyone responds, hell most people don't respond. If it isn't on their radar or affecting them personally they really don't give a shit. But then there are the minority who understand, or at least try to. It truly is the human spirit. People struggling to be, and to achieve what they can in the face of trials. Sometimes for some people that struggle is just be be. Not to be famous, or rich, or popular, or successful. But simply to be able to wake up and walk, or eat, or talk, or enjoy a movie. People don't like to think about these things but I try and make them.
I was in the hospital one time. My heart was failing. It had been a rough battle and I was very sick of fighting. I really didn't want to continue. I received my last rights from my priest at the church my dad goes to. I saw him the other day and he gave me communion and we talked. I wasn't a very avid believer in God before I got ill, but now I have a faith. Because at the end of the day whether it be God or Buddha or whatever that is all there is. There is nothing definite, nothing positive in this world. It is ever changing and unforgiving at times. But there are diamonds in the rough. He told me that everyone has a plan, and that it wasn't my time. I had more work to do. I honestly believe that. I feel like a purpose has been laid out for me. I took something from the bad, and I think that is why everyone happens for a reason. I get it now. I don't want to sound like a cocky asshole but I look past the bullshit for what it is. Bullshit. And there is so much of it in everyday life, some necessary and most not. These things happen in life to teach us, to keep us human, compassionate, and kind to each other. Still most people ignore it, but I'm not doing it for them. I am doing it for me.If the message I send never gets heard I will still write it, because it is what I need to do. I really appreciate the people who do get it, and I can filter out the BS with them. I dunno man, I feel like I am spewing a lot of bull, but whatever. I know I have work to do. I just need this vessel of my body to be able to keep up with my heart and spirit. It's like reaching for a note but you miss it by a half step. You can still get the point across, but you still need to work to be able nail next time...or just move down a fret :)
I feel like Jazz has taught me a lot about these lessons too. It is all interconnected. What a beautiful art form man, truly a gift from the gods. Some people don;t dig it because there aren't good lyrics, or it's outdated, or whatever. Fuck that man, this is gold. Never have I met such good people and such raw energy coming from any other facet of life. It is intangible but the most exhilarating experience ever. But it is the same with the bigger picture, most people don't want to see it. But those who do....are special. I just hope that I can use these busted ass hands and this warped brain of mine to make something that can make people go "Wow" and hopefully start to get it, whatever it is. I guess it is a lot to ask for, but I love that energy.
Just remember how lucky you are, yes you reading this. Everything does happen for a reason, and please don't let that reason be a waste.
On a side note I am happy to be starting school again and playing lot. It has been a while since I've been in a music program.. Best times of my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)