Long time

It has been a while since I have written to you, to talk about the things that have been brewing in this head of mine. I've been busy, really busy. I've been at school everyday playing, I've been at jam sessions playing, I've been in the practice room shedding, I've been in the scene trying to stake a claim on a career I am trying to build. I've met some really cool people, and have had some great experiences. Unfortunately my brain still seems to keep thinking at a deeper level. It doesn't stop. I guess once you've experienced severe trauma then you  re never the same. I remember the days when I didn't think about how much longer do I have, or what can I do all the time to make this life worth living. For those of you reading this for the first time, I got very sick with lyme disease. And in the end it doesn't really matter what the fuck you call it. I got sick, when it hurts so bad and you feel like you're dying it really doesn't matter what it is. Pain is pain, there is no specific term to help make it any easier.

But my world isn't the same, no matter how much I try and turn it off I can't. I see how people act now, I see how people think, I see how society works, and I don't fucking get it. I wish I could smack everyone in the face and tell them, "Do you know it's going to end? Do you know one day you will die and it will come sooner than you think? And when you die do you want to look back at all the times you cared what others thought of you, or were ashamed of yourself, or embarrassed of yourself, or hurt others, or hurt yourself? Or how you were obsessed with vanity, or materials, or money....and now you're on your last breath none of that matters? You can't take things with you, you can't take looks with you, the only thing you can take is the memories you have made in this life and the connections with those you've met. But people get caught up in egos, or caught in doubt and regret. They project it onto others, and subject themselves to their own punishment. I just don't understand people anymore. As a society, as a whole, as a functioning unit. There are so many things that are not important nor helpful to people that grab so much money, attention, and effort from people in life. I wonder if it is in our nature to suffer, or feel bad....

I smile a lot, I laugh a lot, and I try and show as much love as I can. I still have an ego, after all the shit I have been through sometimes it still comes out. I've gotten better at realizing that it doesn't serve me, and that I need to stop it asap. It's hard, especially when you are in pain everyday and no one can see it. I am not talking about emotional pain, I am talking about physical pain. I used to think that physical pain wasn't as bad as emotional pain, because the physical pain went away....but fuck that. This shit hasn't gone away for almost 3 years, and I am convinced at this point it never will. I just deal. I grind my fucking teeth, I barely sleep, I get depressed, angry, lonely, sad, scared...but I keep going. Everyday seems like a challenge. Music is really the only thing that makes it worth it anymore, I would say love but fuck...that shit is hard to come by. And even when I do find someone it is impossible for them to understand. It feels like a big barrier.

I got to rehearse today with a guy for an Irish music festival next week. I didn't know what to expect, but it was amazing. The chord changes were simple, the time was all 4/4, and the tempos weren't fast. But the music was pure energy. I could feel his spirit in the way he played his guitar, and in the way the music moved. It made me feel alive, and I could tell why this music is still alive and well in the culture. It really made this shitty week worth it. I also got a lot of compliments about a composition I did on bass. It really told the story of what I had been through without actually having to speak a word. I know I can become a great musician, but My hand always hurt, my arms always hurt, and I just get tired. Its just a lot of pain.

Pain is interesting. Why does it exist? I mean, pain is a sensor, it is information to the brain. In fact it is the thing the brain processes first. When you are in pain your brain automatically demands you to recognize it. It doesn't stop. As long  as the pain is always there then your brain always has to process that information. And the more you try and shove it down the more your brain has to process. I've gotten so used to ignoring it, it's insane. I feel like screaming all the time, or throwing things. It drives me fucking nuts. But even though as much pain as I am in, and as much shit I have to deal with I feel like this needed to happen. I feel like I needed to go through this hardship to really understand life, and to grab onto a purpose. Before I was somewhat aimless, and not sturdy in my convictions. Anyway seemed to be a good way if it was promising. I wasn't positive or sure enough of myself to dedicate my life to one craft, music. But now I know that it is the only thing I can do, and everyone else has their path but I have to follow mine. And it has only made music sweeter, deeper, heavier, lighter, happier, sadder, just better.

I know you have pain in your life. It may be small, it may be large, it may be there sometimes or all the time. But what I want you to do is take a lesson from your pain. Realize that everyone else has the same pain inside of them, that you are no different. Not more special, not any less...equal. You bleed the same as me, or him, or her. Don't let your pain take your humanity away, don't let it ruin your spirit. If someone has hurt you along the way don't give them the satisfaction of changing your life with hurt. Because at the end of the day when someone really isn't a good person and hurts people, its just sad. It is sad that that person is so fucked up inside that they can't see it themselves. And believe me, in this life or the next they will get theirs. Let your pain humble you, free your mind and body from all the bullshit that people deal with. The vanity, the fakeness, lies, the materialism, the egos....People use all of these things to deal with pain, but it doesn't help them. Be better than that, don't let pain create more pain.

I wonder what Charles Mingus thought about when he was dying....when he couldn't play the bass. How he didn't let it destroy him. I know how my life ends, and it isn't fun. It's a long slow process. Where your body deteriorates  and the things you love to do you can't anymore, the people you used to see don't come around anymore, and the love you have in your life isn't there anymore. It's hard to think about when it has already happened once. I know it's going to happen again and I don't want it to....

The underlying theme

There are themes in this world. There are messages that some ignore and some answer, it really depends on who you are. I used to think that there are those who are differnt. Some people get it and some people don't, but now I really think that everyone gets it but they choose to ignore it. We spend so much time dealing with actions and formalities tha don't serve us. On top of that we have the media and socity making us try to be something we are not. It really isn't all it is cracked up to be. Perhaps you want fame, fortune, or some recognition. But those things don't matter unless you have it in yourself. If you reallly believe in yourself and all the struggles and bullshit you have been through.


I have met so many amazing people lately. People who stand amongst a few in the population, and they know it. But they know the hard work, and the dedication, and what it really takes. These cats are gold. But this gold is just like you and me, struck from the depths of their souls. It isn't special, it is just real. I feel like this world tries to stop who you are, or who you can be. And I wonder why....is it our human nature to exlude...or judge...or segregate.....Why? We are all the same, we bleed, we hurt, we hope, we dream, and we die. There is no special exception at the end no matter who  or how much you accomplish. Just live for who you are and what you stand for. Don't let this world rule your soul.

Every once an a while I get hit with the why do I play music question. At first perhaps my intentions were impure, you might want to play to be good, or be popular, or become it seems cool. But whatever that reason was it has  vanished. It has become an obsession that knows no limit. It has consumed my everday thoughts and actions, maybe I am getting to close....maybe this is what drives people too crazy. I am not sure what to say or do about, but it has been getting bothersome.

I play for that feeling, that makes you have goosebumps, and makes you light headed, your heart beat faster, and to be able to express yourself without the need for judgement. But for some reason it has become all about that. I get glmipses, of where my playing is what it could be. Or who I am turning into, but most of the time it is relfecting on the outcome. I feel a pressure and I don't know what to do with it. I am reading Effortless Mastery right now and thank god someone else feels this way. I hate being judged, but I do it all the time. I need to be kind to myself...if I don't play great then I need to let it go...

2 years

is a long time to not live, but maybe it was worth it in the end.


2 Years

Everything happens for a reason?

It has been said many times before by many people all over the world. How many people take it to heart? Most people I hear say these things are talking about someone else s tragedy. They hear about it and nod and say the mantra that has been passed down for ages. I wonder who came up with it...Did the person who did really have a tragedy happen or something that forced them to grow in their life? I believe everything does happen for a reason. There are different extents. You get fat because you eat too much, or you get tired because you don't sleep too much.. But then there is the reason people say it. You lose your fiance, you don't get that job, or you can't go to school. Some of those things are common for a lot of people, but then there are the things that really force you to not say everything happens for a reason. Genocide, chronic illness, rape, slavery, corruption, conspiracy....

In my case I had a severe experience with Lyme. I lost my friends, my fiance, my school, my music, my life for a few years. I am thankful it is coming back. But it is hard to accept it. Someways I feel good about what I have done, and where I have gone. I think I am proudest of the person I have evolved into. Life isn't the same anymore, and it never will be. I think I've talked about it before but it is like the first time you found out the tooth fairy is fake, Santa isn't real, all dogs don't go to heaven (haha) But there is a lesson in everything. I think these horrible things happen to teach us. To keep us human. Not everyone responds, hell most people don't respond. If it isn't on their radar or affecting them personally they really don't give a shit. But then there are the minority who understand, or at least try to. It truly is the human spirit. People struggling to be, and to achieve what they can in the face of trials. Sometimes for some people that struggle is just be be. Not to be famous, or rich, or popular, or successful. But simply to be able to wake up and walk, or eat, or talk, or enjoy a movie. People don't like to think about these things but I try and make them.

I was in the hospital one time. My heart was failing. It had been a rough battle and I was very sick of fighting. I really didn't want to continue. I received my last rights from my priest at the church my dad goes to. I saw him the other day and he gave me communion and we talked. I wasn't a very avid believer in God before I got ill, but now I have a faith. Because at the end of the day whether it be God or Buddha or whatever that is all there is. There is nothing definite, nothing positive in this world. It is ever changing and unforgiving at times. But there are diamonds in the rough. He told me that everyone has a plan, and that it wasn't my time. I had more work to do. I honestly believe that. I feel like a purpose has been laid out for me. I took something from the bad, and I think that is why everyone happens for a reason. I get it now. I don't want to sound like a cocky asshole but I look past the bullshit for what it is. Bullshit. And there is so much of it in everyday life, some necessary and most not. These things happen in life to teach us, to keep us human, compassionate, and kind to each other. Still most people ignore it, but I'm not doing it for them. I am doing it for me.If the message I send never gets heard I will still write it, because it is what I need to do. I really appreciate the people who do get it, and I can filter out the BS with them. I dunno man, I feel like I am spewing a lot of bull, but whatever. I know I have work to do. I just need this vessel of my body to be able to keep up with my heart and spirit. It's like reaching for a note but you miss it by a half step. You can still get the point across, but you still need to work to be able nail next time...or just move down a fret :)

I feel like Jazz has taught me a lot about these lessons too. It is all interconnected. What a beautiful art form man, truly a gift from the gods. Some people don;t dig it because there aren't good lyrics, or it's outdated, or whatever. Fuck that man, this is gold. Never have I met such good people and such raw energy coming from any other facet of life. It is intangible but the most exhilarating experience ever. But it is the same with the bigger picture, most people don't want to see it. But those who do....are special. I just hope that I can use these busted ass hands and this warped brain of mine to make something that can make people go "Wow" and hopefully start to get it, whatever it is. I guess it is a lot to ask for, but I love that energy.

Just remember how lucky you are, yes you reading this. Everything does happen for a reason, and please don't let that reason be a waste.

On a side note I am happy to be starting school again and playing lot. It has been a while since I've been in a music program.. Best times of my life.

The Unsung Hero

In this world there are people that catch everyone's attention. It depends on what level of talent, or charisma they have, or perhaps good looks or fashion. But this doesn't go to them, this doesn't go to the ones who are easy to spot, easy to trace, and easy to love. This song goes to the ones who have it hard, who are warriors....Who face day in and out with a conviction that can only be unlocked by an honest heart and an open mind. A person who has waded through the bullshit, that knows what is important.

The person who can't walk without crutches everyday, but has to. The woman who can't use her arms but continues to strive for a goal. Any human being who has had life throw the biggest fucking curve ball and knock them on their ass and tried to make them quit, tried to make them end, tried to stop their existence....

This goes out to the ones who said no...and not only said no but said a fuck you, I am still going to be the human being that I was born and destined to be. There are some things in this world that are so powerful and impossible to comprehend, and some people will never come close to touching it, or experiencing it. I know not everyone wants to be stimulated all the time, or inspired, or activated, or provoked, or inclined to feel. But dam it man I feel like that all the time....I always feel some deeper connection to something that needs to happen. I can't shut my brain off, and I don't know why. I am not sure if it is a curse or a gift.

I'll be honest, sometimes I feel bad. Sometimes I feel real bad....My hands aches that I can barely pick up my bass, let alone brush my teeth. Sometimes My legs hurt so bad I cringe when I have to walk up a flight of stairs. Sometimes I am so nauseated  that the thought of eating another meal again makes shutter. And I think the worst part of it all is that sometimes I feel bad for going through this. I feel bad because it happened to me, like a pain, like a loss, like a heartache. It is hard to move on sometimes, and forget about lost time, a lost love, and lost opportunities. I work hard to move forward and try and stake a future for myself, but I am never sure where I will go or how I will end up. I am just soloing over life's changes. Its scary man, real scary. Scary to think who and where I am now. Scary to think how it was before.

I am thankful to God that I can do the things I still love, because I never thought I would get the chance again. But it's just that much harder. I hope that my efforts can be recognized by those around me, but ultimately I think I need to recognize them. I don't need your approval, I need my own.

I had told a friend of mine about how I went to the edge of my sanity one time. That I had been in a place where I never thought I would have come back, and I did. He thought it was awesome....he wanted to have the same experience. He even told me he considered becoming addicted to drugs to reach where I had gone, and I don't think he was joking either. He said that it was awesome that I had gone through that, that I was no longer like most people. That I could no longer relate to most people....I found a lot of truth in that. I have learned a lot, and have tried to use my experience in a positive manner. I do find it hard to relate to others now....almost impossible at times. It's like finding out Santa Claus isn't real when you're still in kindergarten. You want to tell all your classmates but they don't believe you. They think you're crazy....because they all know Santa is real. Then you're alone...you know the truth but the truth has segregated you from the major populace. And slowly years later one friend pops up and says they found out Santa isn't real, and that they couldn't believe it until they saw it for their own eyes, or whatever. They didn't want to believe your sincerity and honesty when you told them that he was a farce...but they inevitably found out about through their own experience. I guess that is the easiest way of explaining how I feel at times.

Don't ever feel bad or wrong about your truth, it is yours and no one else. It deserves the respect and recognition just as much as the sky deserves the sun, or the clouds deserve the wind. Shout your truth from the mountain tops, and be proud.

Mad World

I really don't have  aset point to put across tonight I guess. I just finished playing a show at the House of Blues in Hollywood. It was really fun and exciting. Needless to say that I met the band leader 2 weeks ago, got the music 4 days later, and had 2 rehearsals to learn 8 tunes to perform with 2 people I had never played with before made it even more exciting (nerve wrecking).

Being in Hollywood trips me out. You have a city where it takes 30 minutes to drive 2 miles, nothing but restaurants, clubs, and bars as far as the eye can see, and everyone and their mother trying to make it in the biz. It is like a bunch of wild animals out of their cage during feeding time. Smoke, drink, flirt, party party....But it is nice to know there are people who sift through the bullshit rather than get swept away.

I used to be into status, who knows who, who does what, how someone sounds, how someone looks, what  it is. But after a while the glam fades and all you are left with is the truth. I really cannot say much more than that about it, and it is especially true for musicians. It is a shitty profession. You work long hours, late at night, no security, no benefits, and one of the steepest fucking learning curves ever to exist. All in the name of self expression. Weird I am here but it is what I wanted. I feel ok with it because it was my choice.

On a side note, fuzz pedals are fucking amazing for bass solos. I felt like a guitar player when I could hold out a note for more than a few seconds. Now to put that into jazz somehow.

I will leave you with an impromptu poem/artistic piece of crap that I will try to congure up

Intents and purposes
never make me the same again
Don't stop writing because you can't make a mistake
even when you do the mistake is a fleeting moment in time that defines that moment
Is there ever truly a mistake if whatever you were feeling at that point in time was represented by that so called  "mistake"?
 Are there ever really mistakes or just expressions of feeling off?

 my back hurts, nighty night