2,000 views?

A little more than that, but at least. Listen, I don't know, don't assume that this is some sort of statement or answer to what you have been looking for. I'm as smart as anyone else and twice as much so. But so are you, I am sure.

If there ever was a better analogy for life it would be that if you speed towards the next traffic signal, passing every car in front of you furiously as possible, going left, going right, hitting your brakes, speeding 20 mph over the speed limit, you will only to end up at the same stop light as everyone you passed. Sitting there waiting for it to turn green.

Something

My life has lost purpose, and meaning. I'm competing, and it kills me.

Blue and Black Siren

Beware of people who awaken your soul
Beware of their control
Understand their importance
But always know and always see
That people will fill you with what they need
All basic bull shit fastened on repeat
And remember the ones who set you on fire
Will do so with a smile

Cold blue death hue
Come to me in the night
With your jet black hair
and eyes of a lynx
Stay with me
Dream with me
Sing these words to me everyday

Because that's why I breathe
I crave your body
I want your soul
I need you to be
Blue and Black flame
Want does not come close to need

And after these few words I've written
About you, about me, about us
I have begun to see
You are nothing but a Siren
Who I just want

So Why?

I'm sorry I don't treat you like shit
I'm not sorry that you like that
I can't understand how you can give yourself to someone
Who must use you and puts all the shit that everyone feels into a blame
that is placed upon you
Can't you see it, why do you keep feeding it?
It is stupid
We can sit here all day and complain about how much we don't like ourselves
Or we can change the world and be better
But no, I'm sorry
You have a man that hurt you
So the whole world is fucked up to you
Never to find an honest soul
But the ones who sit in front of you
I told you I wanted you
Not to abuse you or make you feel less than me
I want you to be beautiful and free
And I'm tired of rhyming because it is easy
And it is so funny because you are just that
Lost in your own bullshit
Lost in what someone told you
For some reason you believe it
And hold these abusive words to you
Yet you cry and want something real
But to be honest you can't handle it
You are lost in a shell of your whatever




So deal with it, and be like the rest of us
Because you are nothing special
Unless you tell yourself so

Well...

Just like the sun wants the moon
and the land wants the sea
I want to hold you in my arms
Not for anyone but me
It may seem selfish but at least it is true
This feeling that comes when I speak to you
It tells me about me
This feeling that comes when you leave
I don't want it, but it lets me be in this moment in time
And I know you don't want to be so caught up
With someone who walked along and grabbed your heart
For a split second, as I am sure
But this didn't last for a second
It is so much more

I need you night and day

I need someone there to be with me

Night and day

To sit and talk with until the sun comes up

I need you to tell me your dreams and your heart

So that when I fall asleep I dream of you

I need your heart and your soul

Nothing more

Love me strong or love me sweetly

But my dear I need you

So please when you dream, 

please think of me so that no matter how far I am

We will be found together

The Way of the World

It's one hell of a motherfucker, you better be ready for it.

Blue Skies

Have you ever felt that feeling?
I'm sure you have
When you are set on fire
What a thing to feel
What a thing to sit with it
and feel it
It's a weird feeling
But I would rather feel that than nothing at all

I must admit

I must admit, that this life has become tame and dull. I have been through so much, and seen so much, that it all seems like some sort of dream. To return to reality, to what we are, is just a pigment of what we are actually capable of. I'm not sure if I've been exposed to too much, or have felt far too much...but at the end as I have returned back to normal, I am anything but. I know I need drive, and passion. But, and it's hard to continue...why am I here? why are we here? This is just an endless saga of pure bullshit that everyone lives until they find something that is more important than what we all think is. Something more important than eating, breathing, loving, living, being apart of. And in that realization you realize how alone you are, how meaningless life is, until you can complete that task. But the task is endless...just like every great symphony, every great note, every great kiss, every love...It all extends into some pool that I can't find and swim in.

I don't want to be jaded, and cold...but sometimes the world makes it hard. After all, we are what we are...and we aren't much, I have come to find. The more I think about it, the more I know that what we all think is so dire, so now, so next in our lives...it isn't. Just shut up and accept it. We have our own destiny, and some actually come to the point where they realize that they want more. But the reality is that most want more, but are not willing to pay the price. I truly hope one day that I am happy, but I know I am working towards that now. And I meet plenty of people in life who are, aren't, don't care to be, want to be, don't know how to be, and need to be. But I'm sorry you couldn't figure it out, if you have great. But I know that my happiness is far beyond what most people would call "Happiness".

When I'm standing in front of 10,000 people, and it will be a very different 10,000, I'll let you know. Until then, whatever.

Failed Audition

I would rather fill my mind with things that make me smile
Instead of all the things that are there
I can't make it any simpler
It's not artistic, or pretty
If I tried really hard I could make words come together that would make you say
"Ah!"
If I tried really hard I could speak so well that it would make you say
"Wow!"
If I worked long enough I could play you something beautiful
that would make you cry
But I'd rather not
I'd rather just be
and if the things I do impress you
and you give me shout and praise
I'd rather you keep it
So that when you see the rest of me
you don't need to wonder why
and not have to think twice
How you thought I was someone or something else
when I'm really just lost in myself, trying to make me happy
And as much as I love seeing your eyes light up, and your face smile with joy
When I laugh, sing, and play
I'm much more than that

Mari

"Come with me." You said as you cried in my arms
"It's alright, I'm right here. Don't worry about it..."
But then you said you had been through this
when we were in your car
We crossed the ocean together
We spent years apart
We said yes
You taught me so much so fast
Im sorry I couldnt be what you needed

I just wanted to be normal and love you
But I will always play music
Because even if you didnt want to marry a musician
you wanted me to play music

Jane Doe

500 feet in the air, with the wind blasting in my face

Every nerve is firing from head to toe

I was scared to go but you were there

Part of me wanted to be like you

and part of me didn't want to be left behind

When we did it more and more it got easier and easier

When we did it more and more we came together

The electricity that happened in the sky followed us to the ground

It was primal, instinct, something that I needed more of

When we went home it continued

I'm not sorry for who I am

or how I do things

I know that no one seems to understand how my process works, or how the thoughts in my head formulate

I know you did, but you didn't agree although I tried to be something better, or different

I just want to grow, and I just want to feel

But these things aren't had easily, and neither were you

It is time to move on

You were then and I am now

Sometimes you meet people in life who aren't ready for you

and you aren't ready for them

If I could only stop my head from saying these things I would

But I will remember your beauty in chaos

Your strength in pain

and your desire to create your own everything

Why do people leave? I think it just happens

Why do people leave me? I think it just happens

I am tired of trying to figure it out

I can't be your sunshine

I can't be your anchor

I can't be your everything

I can be me

I am strong

I am weak

I am a genius

I am mad

I am every opposite end of every spectrum that cannot be balanced

Teetering on the edge of chaos and peace

I am the only one of me who has been through pain and heartache

of losing myself as well as you

But I can walk, I can breathe, even though my body is not what it seems

I do not need a pass, a pardon, or an excuse

But now I have only 5 hours to do what I have to do and that will take longer than that

So get out of my head, because I have a ton of shit to do

A Toast for this Post

How does one love?
Is it too little?
Is it too much?
Its good that you know how to love
But perhaps its too much
I find myself trying to formulate these thoughts into art
Trying to mold this pain that everyone feels into art
Bleeding to let out this pain I call art
So that someday someone will see it and say
"That's how I feel."
And that feeling will happen
and their eyes will start to water
and their skin will start to crawl
and their stomach will turn
and their heart will burn
Maybe I can let some of this go to them
Or maybe it will just make more
Where do I plug in?
Where do I turn off?
Where do I empty out?
Or is it a who?
As soon as I lay down I have to move
As soon as I stop I have to go
One thing I really want to know
is how not to think about it so much
I wanted to be happy and ignorant like everyone else
But I'm beginning to think everyone is just fooling themselves
I was never meant to belong or be apart
But somehow I find myself here
Amongst the elite

I wonder why they leave
because I wonder why they came in the first place

Honestly

I'll tell you. Honestly, what I feel. I feel a hole inside. I don't know how to fill this hole, but I try. This hole occupies my mind, and my heart. It never leaves me, even though I know it shouldnt be there. It keeps me awake, and it never lets me rest. I am always looking to fill it, and I seek things that can't, I trust people who can't. I expect something that isn't there. This hole has been there my whole life. It has always kept me awake, in those dark nights. I thought it was someone, I thought it was something. But at the end, when I come back I find the only thing that can. I find my bass, I find my hands, and I find who I am. I cannot satisfy everyone, because it is hard enough to satisfy myself. There are things that patch it, that can sustain the momentum, but at the end there is still this hole, and I want to fill it. I try to with music. I try to with my soul, but...is all. I wonder if there is a fix for this hole, I wonder if Im not pursing my life in vain. Because this hole runs deep. and it is painful. Its hard to not let it bleed out, and stop the flow. But honestly I just want to know, if someday this hole will stop bleeding, and if I can feel whole.

My Personal Statement

Jazz bass is my intended major to study at the University of California. I started playing music at a young age but found my true calling with the bass, both electric and acoustic, at the start of college. I started playing bass because fellow music students needed a bass player for a recital they had to play. I learned my first bass line over a Wes Montgomery tune and became obsessed with the instrument. I have devoted my life since then to music, jazz, and learning all I can about bass. It has always been challenging, rewarding, and humbling. I have spent a vast majority of my time playing in ensembles in school, studying with world class bass players both inside and out of college, going to jam session in the area, and gigging as much as possible. Music has taught me discipline, self-respect, compassion, and the ability to truly find who I am. I have seen a glimpse of what it is to become a musician. Not a rock star, not an image, but someone who will stand by what he does regardless of the times, the styles, the gimmicks, and the dark side of the music industry. I have played with some of the best players in Los Angeles and it has only fueled me to become a better person and player. It has also taken me to different parts of the state, and has allowed me to meet amazing people from all over the world that have become life long friends. I feel that that is what music is all about; to share, grow, learn, and strive to find your voice.

I am a gigging bass player with a few steady gigs in downtown Los Angeles, as well as recording sessions and live bands that I am hired to play for. I have learned fast that to make it in music you need to be meticulous. You can not be late, must be friendly, confident, social, organized, and easy to work with. Being humble goes a long way as well. Working as a musician has also taught me the value of education. Some players say you don't need to go to college to be a great player, and they're right. You don't, but being a successful musician takes so much more than just being a great player. I feel that music school gives you a safe and friendly environment to learn the skills I listed above to make it in a hard profession. I have had lots of lessons both in and outside of the class room but I feel both are equally important.

But music is also much more than a profession or job to me. It is my life, and it has given back ten fold what I have put in and I know it will continue to do so as long as I put in the work. I have gained a new life, friends, memories, and a deeper understanding of who I am, the world, and who others are. I only wish to continue this journey at the finest institution I can.

Two years ago I contracted Lyme Disease in Japan. A few months after I came home from the trip in 2010 I began getting tendonitis, From there it went to extreme nerve pain, and within 3 months of the trip I could no longer drive, shower, brush my teeth, or do anything I was capable of before. I had to quit playing my bass for two years. I went undiagnosed for one year, and during that year no doctor could figure out what my diagnosis was. I didn't wait for the MD's to fix it and began researching. Through the internet I found a group of people who shared similar symptoms and stories as myself. I then linked all the information to Lyme Disease, and remembered that I had visited a deer park in Japan. It took lots of foot work, costs tens of thousands of dollars, dozens of doctors, multiple hospitalizations, endless pills, learning how to deal with chronic pain, losing my fiance, and diligence. I never gave up, I never stopped, until I had found out what the answer was, I fought for my life, and even after I had received the proper diagnosis I sill had to face treatment.

I took antibiotics for almost 2 years. At the end of the treatment I was put on IV antibiotics and was forced to sit in bed for 2 months and receive home infusions from  a nurse. I also had a nurse help shower me, dress me, cook for me, wheel chair me around the block, and take me to appointments. I lost nearly 30 lbs. in a matter of 2 months. I became so ill on the treatment that I no longer had an appetite, couldn't walk , or care for myself. I was in and out of the hospital this time last year weighing only 125 lbs, with a heart rate in the 30's Multiple times I thought I wouldn't wake up, nor did I want to honestly.

Since the start of this year I have learned to walk again, eat, drive, run, go to school, play bass, socialize, date, dream, and have hope. I still live in chronic pain, but I will not let anyone or anything stop me from becoming the best musician I can. I want to share what I have learned through all this pain and suffering, and the best way I know how is through music. I am proud of who I am and what I have done, and I know that I can accomplish anything that I work hard enough for.

Music saved my life, I wouldn't be here if I didn't have it. I want to share this gift with everyone I can before I die, because I know that when I look back on my life that I want it to be worth something to me.

It is impossible to explain in mere words what I have been through. I remember applying to the UC system back when I first got sick. I couldn't type because the nerves in my hands and arms were always burning. I had a friend of mine type my essay over the phone for me. I got accepted to UCSD, but was unable to attend because I got a lot worse before I got better. I went through so many emotions of hate, anger, sadness, envy, bitterness...But I have learned to not hate. These things happen in life, and the only thing you can do is make good out of them. I hope someday that my hard work pays off and I can help people learn some of the things that I have learned, and also help those who are in the same situation as me or worse. I'm not motivated by money, status, vanity, or fame. These things really don't mean a whole lot to me anymore. Being honest, truly happy, hard working, compassionate,  and open to others makes for a rich life. And that is what I want.

Good Advice

So I stood there, nervous, anxious, scared....I stood in front of on of the worlds greatest composer's asking a question. How should I phrase it? What words would sounds most intellectual? Will I sound like an idiot....But then I said fuck it...It's John Williams...I won't ever get a chance to ask someone like this again. *Ahem* "You have had the most amazing career around....I have a 2 part question. What piece of advice would you give to a young musician trying to make a career, and when you are writing a piece do you think about how its going to sound or what you're really feeling inside?" John looked at me and said "Well, the second part first...I always write with thinking about how its going to sound. Some composers don't take into consideration the limitations of instruments or how they players will interpret the work. But I write for it to sound good...The second part I will say this. I don't have much advice to give because what I have always heard about good advice is to pass it on. But I will say that goals are over rated. Most people...and especially young university music students get caught up in what they are trying to achieve. They do no focus on the now. If I had wondered or thought, or tried to imagine what my career would be like it would have never happened. I just sat there at did the best work I could do with what I had in front of me. And that was the most important."

I left...and I thought. I was sitting at the bar in the biltmore hotel. Hanging out with the past 30 years of movie recordings...what a trip. In the next 3 hours I would get the best history lesson not available in schools. They talk about it, they try to emulate it, but it doesn't happen in the class room. It happens when guys who have been playing in orchestras, circus bands, combos, movies, tv shows, and everything in between want to  unload all the shit they've been saving for years. And it doesn't come easy, but man it is worth it.

In short this night ends with lots of alcohol, me getting a free $180 dinner, meeting beautiful violin players form all over the world, learning all the shit there is to know about everyone, and being happy. That is the most important part. Fuck the rest, just be who you are and don't give a fuck. It doesn't matter what everyone thinks of you, it only matters what the good people think of you.

A Very Good Day

Music has taken me to places and let me experience things I never would have thought possible. I believe it will continue to do so. I got the chance to meet a great person and musician. He is what you would call a true bassist. His technique is flawless, his bowing is like singing, and his feel is astounding. I met him at a concert I sang for in a choir. He played bass for the orchestra, and I went to talk to him afterwards. Although we had just met we soon began talking like we had been friends for quite a while. Never have I met someone who was so willing to share all the prized information and lessons he had learned in music, as well as his generosity. We met for drinks and he told me all about his career, and what he knew about the bass. I had asked him if he gave lessons. "I don't want your money, I just want to teach you how to make the bass sing...you know when you hear someone playing with a bow and it just screeches...You can feel the tenseness in their hands." He then looked at me and said "The bass is a beautiful instrument, and when it sounds that way it just goes 'AAAAAAHHHHHHH'". At that moment I knew exactly what he meant. We talked a bit more about some other things and where he went to school etc.

We met up for lunch at a nice place a few weeks later and talked some more. It was a rainy Thursday and I had my bass in my car. We drove back to his house in the pouring rain. I followed him up and up the road, farther and farther away from the city and all the chaos, noise, and bustle that it held. When we reached his house I was in awe of how beautiful the surrounding mountains and greenery were. I unloaded my bass and we walked in. I met his girlfriend who plays cello and she welcomed me into their home. We walked into the living room....never had I found such an amazing place to practice. There was a Steinway piano and 2 very expensive basses on the wall next to it. The walls were a warm white, and beautiful pieces of art were hung on the walls. I could feel the energy that he and his girlfriend created in the house with their instruments. I felt very inspired and also intimated to play. I was in the presence of not one, but two masters of their instruments. I really had no business playing in their house. These people had traveled the world and dedicated their lives to their art. Although I am trying to accomplish the same I was no where near their level.

He helped me fix the bridge on my bass after he saw me play on it for a few minutes. He could tell and sense things about it that I didn't know where possible. After he adjusted the bridge he began to play it. "It's finicky in spots. Some notes on your fretboard aren't as good as others. The same with my bass." He began to play more and stopped. "Do you hear that?", "No" I replied. "The low E...when you play the low E and cover the G string the sound shuts down. It is sympathetically vibrating to help the sound." He also told me that every note has a perfect spot on the string to bow with and if you slide your bow down  the strings it will catch it, as if it is meant to be there. I really couldn't believe he had completely dissected my bass in a matter of minutes. He then showed me how to hold a french bow, and it was a bit different than the way I had been taught before but felt great. We sight read some music and played a blues. I was embarrassed to miss a lot of the notes when we read but he was patient "You're not a reader huh?" he said. "I'm working on it..." I smiled. He showed me some more music he had done for movies. Also some scores that John Williams had given him to play. It was a history lesson in the art of recording music for TV and Film.

But then he took my bass and played it again with his bow. He made my cheap plywood Chinese bass sing with the sorrow of a million broken hearts, so beautiful yet so sad. I couldn't believe the sound that he made come from what I had been playing for a few years. It flowed, it sang, it breathed with the intensity and quality of a fine instrument. After that he offered me a glass of beer. We went out to the back and talked more. I told him about what I had been through, all the pain and suffering, and dealing with Lyme disease and chronic pain. I told him about what I wanted to do with music, about how I was engaged, what had happened the past 2 years, and how I was so honored and grateful to meet as amazing a person as he was. I told him that I am always in physical pain and the only time it stops is when I play music, and it's the most beautiful in the world. I asked if he knew the tune Beautiful Love, and he said he doesn't remember names but if he heard it he might know it. So I offered to play it for him.

We walked back inside and I picked up my bass. It was the first time that kind of feeling had ever happened with picking up the instrument. I was going to play for him, but I was also going to show him who I was. I was going to speak to him through my bass and I knew he would listen. Everything seemed to work, the bass felt like it was just apart of me and when I wanted to do something it did it. It was really some of the finest playing I had ever done at that point I feel like. It wasn't perfect, but even when I missed a note, or wasn't on pitch I knew he knew what I was trying to say and that it was ok. Afterwards he helped me load my bass into my car and I asked him, "Do you really think I can do this? Am I good enough to be a professional?" He looked at me and said "You're very talented and I think you can, but you're starting late in life. I'm not the best teacher because I wasn't the best student, but whenever I can I will teach you what I know."

Putter's Lesson

I began to practice in the morning a few days ago on the bass. I was doing some bowing work and needed some rosin but didn't have any. I called a friend of mine, Putter Smith, to ask if I could borrow some. He said sure thing, to come by in 20 minutes. I walked over to his place about a block away and went back to his studio. To make a brief description of Putter I would say that he is the warmest, kindest, looking man you could ever see. And beyond that this man knows his music. He  oozes it. And not just the notes, or the technique, or the nuts and bolts. He knows the ESSENCE of music. What extends beyond any book ,class, lesson, or etude. You can feel his playing in a very special way when he picks up the bass.

I asked him if I could watch his practice routine and he agreed. He started with a 3 finger technique that involved attacking each separate string with each different finger. He would start on open strings and hit the E with his index, A with his middle, and D with his ring. He would then skip the next string and repeat the process till he cycled through all variations. Once he was done with that he started the cycle with his middle finger, and once he finished that he start the cycle with his ring finger. After he finished playing open strings he began running scales up and down the neck. After the scales came the arpeggios, and to top it all off he would do it staccato at the end. It was the mos intense 10 minutes I had ever seen. The energy in that room skyrocketed the second he started. It was a true art from to see a master hone his craft. "I do this everyday, and once I start I don't stop."  He explained about the long process that it took to reach a point where it would get easier, and then as soon as it did he would change up the exercises. I told him how amazing it sounded and how great it was to see it. He replied "well just wait...I'm not done yet. I sight read some stuff out of this book. I usually work on it for a month or two to where it gets musical. But it sounds horrible until then."

I thought he was joking, I don't think I've ever heard Putter sound bad...But he opened up the book and started to bow this music. It was all thumb position, and hard shit. It sounded so bad....like a kid had picked up the bass for the first time and tried to sight read. The bow didn't connect in spots, the intonation was off, the time faltered in spots. But he never stopped playing. Every now and again he would yell "Oh man, I'm fucking this up bad..." But he kept going. "I submit myself to this. I keep going until it ends no matter how bad it sounds. I have to force myself to get through it, and after the 2 months it gets to the point where it starts to sound like music" I was really surprised...I was sure he would be able to do this stuff...but I asked him if it was written for bass.  "Oh no...this is a classical trumpet concerto book." It was all in treble cleft and insane leaps all over. It looked intense.

He then taught me a bowing exercise that involved making a consistent sound across all bowing points. Closer to the fretboard the bowing is louder with less movement. But the lower you go towards the bridge the less speed you need to create the same sound. I would start bowing near the fretboard and then count how many beats it took to get to the frog of the bow. Once I did that I then shift positions to the middle of the strings between the bridge and fretboard. I then had to count how many beats it took to get the same volume in that place as the last one. It added about 3 beats, and near the bridge added about 4.

After that we talked a little bit about music and his experiences. When I was leaving he told me he is envious of people who quit music. "I really admire someone who can quit. I wish I had the balls to do it, but I'm too scared. Music is what I do, and it is a part of who I am. It is a terrible profession, but if you know it is your only choice then it is your only choice."

That was a very special day.

Long time

It has been a while since I have written to you, to talk about the things that have been brewing in this head of mine. I've been busy, really busy. I've been at school everyday playing, I've been at jam sessions playing, I've been in the practice room shedding, I've been in the scene trying to stake a claim on a career I am trying to build. I've met some really cool people, and have had some great experiences. Unfortunately my brain still seems to keep thinking at a deeper level. It doesn't stop. I guess once you've experienced severe trauma then you  re never the same. I remember the days when I didn't think about how much longer do I have, or what can I do all the time to make this life worth living. For those of you reading this for the first time, I got very sick with lyme disease. And in the end it doesn't really matter what the fuck you call it. I got sick, when it hurts so bad and you feel like you're dying it really doesn't matter what it is. Pain is pain, there is no specific term to help make it any easier.

But my world isn't the same, no matter how much I try and turn it off I can't. I see how people act now, I see how people think, I see how society works, and I don't fucking get it. I wish I could smack everyone in the face and tell them, "Do you know it's going to end? Do you know one day you will die and it will come sooner than you think? And when you die do you want to look back at all the times you cared what others thought of you, or were ashamed of yourself, or embarrassed of yourself, or hurt others, or hurt yourself? Or how you were obsessed with vanity, or materials, or money....and now you're on your last breath none of that matters? You can't take things with you, you can't take looks with you, the only thing you can take is the memories you have made in this life and the connections with those you've met. But people get caught up in egos, or caught in doubt and regret. They project it onto others, and subject themselves to their own punishment. I just don't understand people anymore. As a society, as a whole, as a functioning unit. There are so many things that are not important nor helpful to people that grab so much money, attention, and effort from people in life. I wonder if it is in our nature to suffer, or feel bad....

I smile a lot, I laugh a lot, and I try and show as much love as I can. I still have an ego, after all the shit I have been through sometimes it still comes out. I've gotten better at realizing that it doesn't serve me, and that I need to stop it asap. It's hard, especially when you are in pain everyday and no one can see it. I am not talking about emotional pain, I am talking about physical pain. I used to think that physical pain wasn't as bad as emotional pain, because the physical pain went away....but fuck that. This shit hasn't gone away for almost 3 years, and I am convinced at this point it never will. I just deal. I grind my fucking teeth, I barely sleep, I get depressed, angry, lonely, sad, scared...but I keep going. Everyday seems like a challenge. Music is really the only thing that makes it worth it anymore, I would say love but fuck...that shit is hard to come by. And even when I do find someone it is impossible for them to understand. It feels like a big barrier.

I got to rehearse today with a guy for an Irish music festival next week. I didn't know what to expect, but it was amazing. The chord changes were simple, the time was all 4/4, and the tempos weren't fast. But the music was pure energy. I could feel his spirit in the way he played his guitar, and in the way the music moved. It made me feel alive, and I could tell why this music is still alive and well in the culture. It really made this shitty week worth it. I also got a lot of compliments about a composition I did on bass. It really told the story of what I had been through without actually having to speak a word. I know I can become a great musician, but My hand always hurt, my arms always hurt, and I just get tired. Its just a lot of pain.

Pain is interesting. Why does it exist? I mean, pain is a sensor, it is information to the brain. In fact it is the thing the brain processes first. When you are in pain your brain automatically demands you to recognize it. It doesn't stop. As long  as the pain is always there then your brain always has to process that information. And the more you try and shove it down the more your brain has to process. I've gotten so used to ignoring it, it's insane. I feel like screaming all the time, or throwing things. It drives me fucking nuts. But even though as much pain as I am in, and as much shit I have to deal with I feel like this needed to happen. I feel like I needed to go through this hardship to really understand life, and to grab onto a purpose. Before I was somewhat aimless, and not sturdy in my convictions. Anyway seemed to be a good way if it was promising. I wasn't positive or sure enough of myself to dedicate my life to one craft, music. But now I know that it is the only thing I can do, and everyone else has their path but I have to follow mine. And it has only made music sweeter, deeper, heavier, lighter, happier, sadder, just better.

I know you have pain in your life. It may be small, it may be large, it may be there sometimes or all the time. But what I want you to do is take a lesson from your pain. Realize that everyone else has the same pain inside of them, that you are no different. Not more special, not any less...equal. You bleed the same as me, or him, or her. Don't let your pain take your humanity away, don't let it ruin your spirit. If someone has hurt you along the way don't give them the satisfaction of changing your life with hurt. Because at the end of the day when someone really isn't a good person and hurts people, its just sad. It is sad that that person is so fucked up inside that they can't see it themselves. And believe me, in this life or the next they will get theirs. Let your pain humble you, free your mind and body from all the bullshit that people deal with. The vanity, the fakeness, lies, the materialism, the egos....People use all of these things to deal with pain, but it doesn't help them. Be better than that, don't let pain create more pain.

I wonder what Charles Mingus thought about when he was dying....when he couldn't play the bass. How he didn't let it destroy him. I know how my life ends, and it isn't fun. It's a long slow process. Where your body deteriorates  and the things you love to do you can't anymore, the people you used to see don't come around anymore, and the love you have in your life isn't there anymore. It's hard to think about when it has already happened once. I know it's going to happen again and I don't want it to....

The underlying theme

There are themes in this world. There are messages that some ignore and some answer, it really depends on who you are. I used to think that there are those who are differnt. Some people get it and some people don't, but now I really think that everyone gets it but they choose to ignore it. We spend so much time dealing with actions and formalities tha don't serve us. On top of that we have the media and socity making us try to be something we are not. It really isn't all it is cracked up to be. Perhaps you want fame, fortune, or some recognition. But those things don't matter unless you have it in yourself. If you reallly believe in yourself and all the struggles and bullshit you have been through.


I have met so many amazing people lately. People who stand amongst a few in the population, and they know it. But they know the hard work, and the dedication, and what it really takes. These cats are gold. But this gold is just like you and me, struck from the depths of their souls. It isn't special, it is just real. I feel like this world tries to stop who you are, or who you can be. And I wonder why....is it our human nature to exlude...or judge...or segregate.....Why? We are all the same, we bleed, we hurt, we hope, we dream, and we die. There is no special exception at the end no matter who  or how much you accomplish. Just live for who you are and what you stand for. Don't let this world rule your soul.