Today will be a short post and continuation of the story. I have not been feeling well lately and have been kind of lying to myself about it. Hopefully with some rest and good nutrition I will bounce back. I had 2 beers last night for the firs time in about a year and a half. I am also going out to dinner tonight for my birthday and am very excited. It feels unreal to be doing these things again. But very normal at the same time.
Back to the pain...that awful pain. I remember the night I had laid there in my bed in tears from the searing burning all over my body. I was awake the whole night wondering what was going on. I felt muscle twitches, spasms, stabbing, throbbing and everything imaginable possible in my body. Why? How is this possible??? What is causing this? I felt so alone and afraid. I wondered how I could have pinched nerves in both my arms. I had went to the ER and all they could do was give me Vicodin and send me home. I stayed at a friends house that night after he picked me up and I had hoped that the pain would subside but it didn't. I had driven to my Dad's house the next day with 2 useless arms. It was hard to navigate but sadly I had gotten used to it. I went inside and began sobbing. How was I going to finish school? The semester was almost over and I couldn't drop out. I had worked so hard...how was I going to play bass? How was I going to get into another college? How was I going to live with Mari when she got back from Japan? My Father thought I had cracked form stress. I went into my room and slept for a few hours finally. I woke up but the pain was still there. I had been to the doctor this whole time and no one offered any answer.
I sat in my GP's office for the hundred time it felt like. He walked in and examined me again and said.."perhaps it will get better...." I had asked for an MRI to see if there was a pinched nerve or anything there. But he said plainly "I will recommend anything you want but it is up to the review board to see if it is necessary and I don't see how an MRI would change your course of treatment." I sat in disbelief...He just rejected me. I had asked him to sign a disability paper for my college so I could have someone write for me and calss and take tests. I had also talked to my math tutor about dictating my homework for me. I walked into my math professor's office and explained my situation and how I had no arms that worked but I wanted to finish. She said ok and said that she hoped I felt better soon. There was about 3 weeks till finals. I was determined to make it. At this point the best answer I had gotten was that I needed ulnar nerve relocation surgery and then my problems would be solved. When I asked about my back or legs the surgeon said that sometimes when one thing hurts somewhere sometimes things hurt other places too. Very scientific for a doctor who went to Duke University So the plan was to finish the semester then get the surgery, recover for a few weeks and return to school in spring. But it didn't go that way.
I woke up that day in pain as usual. I got up and wore the same clothes I had fell asleep in. I think I slept 2 or 3 hours if that. I had not brushed my teeth in a few days because it hurt too much to bend my arms to do so. But I decided I needed to and tried anyways. I couldn't do it. I threw my tooth brush down and walked out to my car. How I drove was with stiff straight arms. I couldn't rotate my arms all the way around to turn so I had to do it in sections. I drove to subway and ordered some breakfast. I sat there staring at the egg sandwich....My arms hurt too much to pick it up but I was starving. There was only one other person eating there and I decided I didn't care what he though. I shoved my head face first into the food and took a bite. With each bite I felt shame and embarrassment. Also fear...a great fear that I still didn't know what was happening to me and if I didn't know how would it get any better. I finished and got up and the man opened to door for me. "Have a good day" he said. I wondered what he thought about me after seeing that. I went to my car and sat in the driver seat. I tried to put the key in the ignition and stopped. I cried. It hurt, every cell in my body screamed with agony, pain pain pain pain. What was happening? Somebody help me! Save me! I called my aunt and uncle who lived near by. They said I could drive to their house to rest, but I knew I couldn't make it. I then called my mom to pick me up and she said that my brother would get me. I mustered up the strength to drive the 2 miles. I parked and walked around. Then I felt the nerve in my lower back go off. Great, I thought. How could it get any worse. I waited and finally my brother came. He picked me up and I said I needed to go the hospital. He took me to Huntington Memorial. I thought that my salvation would be there. It was a state of the art facility. I would get the help I needed there.
I also recorded a bass solo piece. Please check it out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTwrhVwteV4
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