I must admit

I must admit, that this life has become tame and dull. I have been through so much, and seen so much, that it all seems like some sort of dream. To return to reality, to what we are, is just a pigment of what we are actually capable of. I'm not sure if I've been exposed to too much, or have felt far too much...but at the end as I have returned back to normal, I am anything but. I know I need drive, and passion. But, and it's hard to continue...why am I here? why are we here? This is just an endless saga of pure bullshit that everyone lives until they find something that is more important than what we all think is. Something more important than eating, breathing, loving, living, being apart of. And in that realization you realize how alone you are, how meaningless life is, until you can complete that task. But the task is endless...just like every great symphony, every great note, every great kiss, every love...It all extends into some pool that I can't find and swim in.

I don't want to be jaded, and cold...but sometimes the world makes it hard. After all, we are what we are...and we aren't much, I have come to find. The more I think about it, the more I know that what we all think is so dire, so now, so next in our lives...it isn't. Just shut up and accept it. We have our own destiny, and some actually come to the point where they realize that they want more. But the reality is that most want more, but are not willing to pay the price. I truly hope one day that I am happy, but I know I am working towards that now. And I meet plenty of people in life who are, aren't, don't care to be, want to be, don't know how to be, and need to be. But I'm sorry you couldn't figure it out, if you have great. But I know that my happiness is far beyond what most people would call "Happiness".

When I'm standing in front of 10,000 people, and it will be a very different 10,000, I'll let you know. Until then, whatever.

Failed Audition

I would rather fill my mind with things that make me smile
Instead of all the things that are there
I can't make it any simpler
It's not artistic, or pretty
If I tried really hard I could make words come together that would make you say
"Ah!"
If I tried really hard I could speak so well that it would make you say
"Wow!"
If I worked long enough I could play you something beautiful
that would make you cry
But I'd rather not
I'd rather just be
and if the things I do impress you
and you give me shout and praise
I'd rather you keep it
So that when you see the rest of me
you don't need to wonder why
and not have to think twice
How you thought I was someone or something else
when I'm really just lost in myself, trying to make me happy
And as much as I love seeing your eyes light up, and your face smile with joy
When I laugh, sing, and play
I'm much more than that

Mari

"Come with me." You said as you cried in my arms
"It's alright, I'm right here. Don't worry about it..."
But then you said you had been through this
when we were in your car
We crossed the ocean together
We spent years apart
We said yes
You taught me so much so fast
Im sorry I couldnt be what you needed

I just wanted to be normal and love you
But I will always play music
Because even if you didnt want to marry a musician
you wanted me to play music

Jane Doe

500 feet in the air, with the wind blasting in my face

Every nerve is firing from head to toe

I was scared to go but you were there

Part of me wanted to be like you

and part of me didn't want to be left behind

When we did it more and more it got easier and easier

When we did it more and more we came together

The electricity that happened in the sky followed us to the ground

It was primal, instinct, something that I needed more of

When we went home it continued

I'm not sorry for who I am

or how I do things

I know that no one seems to understand how my process works, or how the thoughts in my head formulate

I know you did, but you didn't agree although I tried to be something better, or different

I just want to grow, and I just want to feel

But these things aren't had easily, and neither were you

It is time to move on

You were then and I am now

Sometimes you meet people in life who aren't ready for you

and you aren't ready for them

If I could only stop my head from saying these things I would

But I will remember your beauty in chaos

Your strength in pain

and your desire to create your own everything

Why do people leave? I think it just happens

Why do people leave me? I think it just happens

I am tired of trying to figure it out

I can't be your sunshine

I can't be your anchor

I can't be your everything

I can be me

I am strong

I am weak

I am a genius

I am mad

I am every opposite end of every spectrum that cannot be balanced

Teetering on the edge of chaos and peace

I am the only one of me who has been through pain and heartache

of losing myself as well as you

But I can walk, I can breathe, even though my body is not what it seems

I do not need a pass, a pardon, or an excuse

But now I have only 5 hours to do what I have to do and that will take longer than that

So get out of my head, because I have a ton of shit to do

A Toast for this Post

How does one love?
Is it too little?
Is it too much?
Its good that you know how to love
But perhaps its too much
I find myself trying to formulate these thoughts into art
Trying to mold this pain that everyone feels into art
Bleeding to let out this pain I call art
So that someday someone will see it and say
"That's how I feel."
And that feeling will happen
and their eyes will start to water
and their skin will start to crawl
and their stomach will turn
and their heart will burn
Maybe I can let some of this go to them
Or maybe it will just make more
Where do I plug in?
Where do I turn off?
Where do I empty out?
Or is it a who?
As soon as I lay down I have to move
As soon as I stop I have to go
One thing I really want to know
is how not to think about it so much
I wanted to be happy and ignorant like everyone else
But I'm beginning to think everyone is just fooling themselves
I was never meant to belong or be apart
But somehow I find myself here
Amongst the elite

I wonder why they leave
because I wonder why they came in the first place

Honestly

I'll tell you. Honestly, what I feel. I feel a hole inside. I don't know how to fill this hole, but I try. This hole occupies my mind, and my heart. It never leaves me, even though I know it shouldnt be there. It keeps me awake, and it never lets me rest. I am always looking to fill it, and I seek things that can't, I trust people who can't. I expect something that isn't there. This hole has been there my whole life. It has always kept me awake, in those dark nights. I thought it was someone, I thought it was something. But at the end, when I come back I find the only thing that can. I find my bass, I find my hands, and I find who I am. I cannot satisfy everyone, because it is hard enough to satisfy myself. There are things that patch it, that can sustain the momentum, but at the end there is still this hole, and I want to fill it. I try to with music. I try to with my soul, but...is all. I wonder if there is a fix for this hole, I wonder if Im not pursing my life in vain. Because this hole runs deep. and it is painful. Its hard to not let it bleed out, and stop the flow. But honestly I just want to know, if someday this hole will stop bleeding, and if I can feel whole.

My Personal Statement

Jazz bass is my intended major to study at the University of California. I started playing music at a young age but found my true calling with the bass, both electric and acoustic, at the start of college. I started playing bass because fellow music students needed a bass player for a recital they had to play. I learned my first bass line over a Wes Montgomery tune and became obsessed with the instrument. I have devoted my life since then to music, jazz, and learning all I can about bass. It has always been challenging, rewarding, and humbling. I have spent a vast majority of my time playing in ensembles in school, studying with world class bass players both inside and out of college, going to jam session in the area, and gigging as much as possible. Music has taught me discipline, self-respect, compassion, and the ability to truly find who I am. I have seen a glimpse of what it is to become a musician. Not a rock star, not an image, but someone who will stand by what he does regardless of the times, the styles, the gimmicks, and the dark side of the music industry. I have played with some of the best players in Los Angeles and it has only fueled me to become a better person and player. It has also taken me to different parts of the state, and has allowed me to meet amazing people from all over the world that have become life long friends. I feel that that is what music is all about; to share, grow, learn, and strive to find your voice.

I am a gigging bass player with a few steady gigs in downtown Los Angeles, as well as recording sessions and live bands that I am hired to play for. I have learned fast that to make it in music you need to be meticulous. You can not be late, must be friendly, confident, social, organized, and easy to work with. Being humble goes a long way as well. Working as a musician has also taught me the value of education. Some players say you don't need to go to college to be a great player, and they're right. You don't, but being a successful musician takes so much more than just being a great player. I feel that music school gives you a safe and friendly environment to learn the skills I listed above to make it in a hard profession. I have had lots of lessons both in and outside of the class room but I feel both are equally important.

But music is also much more than a profession or job to me. It is my life, and it has given back ten fold what I have put in and I know it will continue to do so as long as I put in the work. I have gained a new life, friends, memories, and a deeper understanding of who I am, the world, and who others are. I only wish to continue this journey at the finest institution I can.

Two years ago I contracted Lyme Disease in Japan. A few months after I came home from the trip in 2010 I began getting tendonitis, From there it went to extreme nerve pain, and within 3 months of the trip I could no longer drive, shower, brush my teeth, or do anything I was capable of before. I had to quit playing my bass for two years. I went undiagnosed for one year, and during that year no doctor could figure out what my diagnosis was. I didn't wait for the MD's to fix it and began researching. Through the internet I found a group of people who shared similar symptoms and stories as myself. I then linked all the information to Lyme Disease, and remembered that I had visited a deer park in Japan. It took lots of foot work, costs tens of thousands of dollars, dozens of doctors, multiple hospitalizations, endless pills, learning how to deal with chronic pain, losing my fiance, and diligence. I never gave up, I never stopped, until I had found out what the answer was, I fought for my life, and even after I had received the proper diagnosis I sill had to face treatment.

I took antibiotics for almost 2 years. At the end of the treatment I was put on IV antibiotics and was forced to sit in bed for 2 months and receive home infusions from  a nurse. I also had a nurse help shower me, dress me, cook for me, wheel chair me around the block, and take me to appointments. I lost nearly 30 lbs. in a matter of 2 months. I became so ill on the treatment that I no longer had an appetite, couldn't walk , or care for myself. I was in and out of the hospital this time last year weighing only 125 lbs, with a heart rate in the 30's Multiple times I thought I wouldn't wake up, nor did I want to honestly.

Since the start of this year I have learned to walk again, eat, drive, run, go to school, play bass, socialize, date, dream, and have hope. I still live in chronic pain, but I will not let anyone or anything stop me from becoming the best musician I can. I want to share what I have learned through all this pain and suffering, and the best way I know how is through music. I am proud of who I am and what I have done, and I know that I can accomplish anything that I work hard enough for.

Music saved my life, I wouldn't be here if I didn't have it. I want to share this gift with everyone I can before I die, because I know that when I look back on my life that I want it to be worth something to me.

It is impossible to explain in mere words what I have been through. I remember applying to the UC system back when I first got sick. I couldn't type because the nerves in my hands and arms were always burning. I had a friend of mine type my essay over the phone for me. I got accepted to UCSD, but was unable to attend because I got a lot worse before I got better. I went through so many emotions of hate, anger, sadness, envy, bitterness...But I have learned to not hate. These things happen in life, and the only thing you can do is make good out of them. I hope someday that my hard work pays off and I can help people learn some of the things that I have learned, and also help those who are in the same situation as me or worse. I'm not motivated by money, status, vanity, or fame. These things really don't mean a whole lot to me anymore. Being honest, truly happy, hard working, compassionate,  and open to others makes for a rich life. And that is what I want.