Jane Doe

500 feet in the air, with the wind blasting in my face

Every nerve is firing from head to toe

I was scared to go but you were there

Part of me wanted to be like you

and part of me didn't want to be left behind

When we did it more and more it got easier and easier

When we did it more and more we came together

The electricity that happened in the sky followed us to the ground

It was primal, instinct, something that I needed more of

When we went home it continued

I'm not sorry for who I am

or how I do things

I know that no one seems to understand how my process works, or how the thoughts in my head formulate

I know you did, but you didn't agree although I tried to be something better, or different

I just want to grow, and I just want to feel

But these things aren't had easily, and neither were you

It is time to move on

You were then and I am now

Sometimes you meet people in life who aren't ready for you

and you aren't ready for them

If I could only stop my head from saying these things I would

But I will remember your beauty in chaos

Your strength in pain

and your desire to create your own everything

Why do people leave? I think it just happens

Why do people leave me? I think it just happens

I am tired of trying to figure it out

I can't be your sunshine

I can't be your anchor

I can't be your everything

I can be me

I am strong

I am weak

I am a genius

I am mad

I am every opposite end of every spectrum that cannot be balanced

Teetering on the edge of chaos and peace

I am the only one of me who has been through pain and heartache

of losing myself as well as you

But I can walk, I can breathe, even though my body is not what it seems

I do not need a pass, a pardon, or an excuse

But now I have only 5 hours to do what I have to do and that will take longer than that

So get out of my head, because I have a ton of shit to do

A Toast for this Post

How does one love?
Is it too little?
Is it too much?
Its good that you know how to love
But perhaps its too much
I find myself trying to formulate these thoughts into art
Trying to mold this pain that everyone feels into art
Bleeding to let out this pain I call art
So that someday someone will see it and say
"That's how I feel."
And that feeling will happen
and their eyes will start to water
and their skin will start to crawl
and their stomach will turn
and their heart will burn
Maybe I can let some of this go to them
Or maybe it will just make more
Where do I plug in?
Where do I turn off?
Where do I empty out?
Or is it a who?
As soon as I lay down I have to move
As soon as I stop I have to go
One thing I really want to know
is how not to think about it so much
I wanted to be happy and ignorant like everyone else
But I'm beginning to think everyone is just fooling themselves
I was never meant to belong or be apart
But somehow I find myself here
Amongst the elite

I wonder why they leave
because I wonder why they came in the first place

Honestly

I'll tell you. Honestly, what I feel. I feel a hole inside. I don't know how to fill this hole, but I try. This hole occupies my mind, and my heart. It never leaves me, even though I know it shouldnt be there. It keeps me awake, and it never lets me rest. I am always looking to fill it, and I seek things that can't, I trust people who can't. I expect something that isn't there. This hole has been there my whole life. It has always kept me awake, in those dark nights. I thought it was someone, I thought it was something. But at the end, when I come back I find the only thing that can. I find my bass, I find my hands, and I find who I am. I cannot satisfy everyone, because it is hard enough to satisfy myself. There are things that patch it, that can sustain the momentum, but at the end there is still this hole, and I want to fill it. I try to with music. I try to with my soul, but...is all. I wonder if there is a fix for this hole, I wonder if Im not pursing my life in vain. Because this hole runs deep. and it is painful. Its hard to not let it bleed out, and stop the flow. But honestly I just want to know, if someday this hole will stop bleeding, and if I can feel whole.

My Personal Statement

Jazz bass is my intended major to study at the University of California. I started playing music at a young age but found my true calling with the bass, both electric and acoustic, at the start of college. I started playing bass because fellow music students needed a bass player for a recital they had to play. I learned my first bass line over a Wes Montgomery tune and became obsessed with the instrument. I have devoted my life since then to music, jazz, and learning all I can about bass. It has always been challenging, rewarding, and humbling. I have spent a vast majority of my time playing in ensembles in school, studying with world class bass players both inside and out of college, going to jam session in the area, and gigging as much as possible. Music has taught me discipline, self-respect, compassion, and the ability to truly find who I am. I have seen a glimpse of what it is to become a musician. Not a rock star, not an image, but someone who will stand by what he does regardless of the times, the styles, the gimmicks, and the dark side of the music industry. I have played with some of the best players in Los Angeles and it has only fueled me to become a better person and player. It has also taken me to different parts of the state, and has allowed me to meet amazing people from all over the world that have become life long friends. I feel that that is what music is all about; to share, grow, learn, and strive to find your voice.

I am a gigging bass player with a few steady gigs in downtown Los Angeles, as well as recording sessions and live bands that I am hired to play for. I have learned fast that to make it in music you need to be meticulous. You can not be late, must be friendly, confident, social, organized, and easy to work with. Being humble goes a long way as well. Working as a musician has also taught me the value of education. Some players say you don't need to go to college to be a great player, and they're right. You don't, but being a successful musician takes so much more than just being a great player. I feel that music school gives you a safe and friendly environment to learn the skills I listed above to make it in a hard profession. I have had lots of lessons both in and outside of the class room but I feel both are equally important.

But music is also much more than a profession or job to me. It is my life, and it has given back ten fold what I have put in and I know it will continue to do so as long as I put in the work. I have gained a new life, friends, memories, and a deeper understanding of who I am, the world, and who others are. I only wish to continue this journey at the finest institution I can.

Two years ago I contracted Lyme Disease in Japan. A few months after I came home from the trip in 2010 I began getting tendonitis, From there it went to extreme nerve pain, and within 3 months of the trip I could no longer drive, shower, brush my teeth, or do anything I was capable of before. I had to quit playing my bass for two years. I went undiagnosed for one year, and during that year no doctor could figure out what my diagnosis was. I didn't wait for the MD's to fix it and began researching. Through the internet I found a group of people who shared similar symptoms and stories as myself. I then linked all the information to Lyme Disease, and remembered that I had visited a deer park in Japan. It took lots of foot work, costs tens of thousands of dollars, dozens of doctors, multiple hospitalizations, endless pills, learning how to deal with chronic pain, losing my fiance, and diligence. I never gave up, I never stopped, until I had found out what the answer was, I fought for my life, and even after I had received the proper diagnosis I sill had to face treatment.

I took antibiotics for almost 2 years. At the end of the treatment I was put on IV antibiotics and was forced to sit in bed for 2 months and receive home infusions from  a nurse. I also had a nurse help shower me, dress me, cook for me, wheel chair me around the block, and take me to appointments. I lost nearly 30 lbs. in a matter of 2 months. I became so ill on the treatment that I no longer had an appetite, couldn't walk , or care for myself. I was in and out of the hospital this time last year weighing only 125 lbs, with a heart rate in the 30's Multiple times I thought I wouldn't wake up, nor did I want to honestly.

Since the start of this year I have learned to walk again, eat, drive, run, go to school, play bass, socialize, date, dream, and have hope. I still live in chronic pain, but I will not let anyone or anything stop me from becoming the best musician I can. I want to share what I have learned through all this pain and suffering, and the best way I know how is through music. I am proud of who I am and what I have done, and I know that I can accomplish anything that I work hard enough for.

Music saved my life, I wouldn't be here if I didn't have it. I want to share this gift with everyone I can before I die, because I know that when I look back on my life that I want it to be worth something to me.

It is impossible to explain in mere words what I have been through. I remember applying to the UC system back when I first got sick. I couldn't type because the nerves in my hands and arms were always burning. I had a friend of mine type my essay over the phone for me. I got accepted to UCSD, but was unable to attend because I got a lot worse before I got better. I went through so many emotions of hate, anger, sadness, envy, bitterness...But I have learned to not hate. These things happen in life, and the only thing you can do is make good out of them. I hope someday that my hard work pays off and I can help people learn some of the things that I have learned, and also help those who are in the same situation as me or worse. I'm not motivated by money, status, vanity, or fame. These things really don't mean a whole lot to me anymore. Being honest, truly happy, hard working, compassionate,  and open to others makes for a rich life. And that is what I want.

Good Advice

So I stood there, nervous, anxious, scared....I stood in front of on of the worlds greatest composer's asking a question. How should I phrase it? What words would sounds most intellectual? Will I sound like an idiot....But then I said fuck it...It's John Williams...I won't ever get a chance to ask someone like this again. *Ahem* "You have had the most amazing career around....I have a 2 part question. What piece of advice would you give to a young musician trying to make a career, and when you are writing a piece do you think about how its going to sound or what you're really feeling inside?" John looked at me and said "Well, the second part first...I always write with thinking about how its going to sound. Some composers don't take into consideration the limitations of instruments or how they players will interpret the work. But I write for it to sound good...The second part I will say this. I don't have much advice to give because what I have always heard about good advice is to pass it on. But I will say that goals are over rated. Most people...and especially young university music students get caught up in what they are trying to achieve. They do no focus on the now. If I had wondered or thought, or tried to imagine what my career would be like it would have never happened. I just sat there at did the best work I could do with what I had in front of me. And that was the most important."

I left...and I thought. I was sitting at the bar in the biltmore hotel. Hanging out with the past 30 years of movie recordings...what a trip. In the next 3 hours I would get the best history lesson not available in schools. They talk about it, they try to emulate it, but it doesn't happen in the class room. It happens when guys who have been playing in orchestras, circus bands, combos, movies, tv shows, and everything in between want to  unload all the shit they've been saving for years. And it doesn't come easy, but man it is worth it.

In short this night ends with lots of alcohol, me getting a free $180 dinner, meeting beautiful violin players form all over the world, learning all the shit there is to know about everyone, and being happy. That is the most important part. Fuck the rest, just be who you are and don't give a fuck. It doesn't matter what everyone thinks of you, it only matters what the good people think of you.

A Very Good Day

Music has taken me to places and let me experience things I never would have thought possible. I believe it will continue to do so. I got the chance to meet a great person and musician. He is what you would call a true bassist. His technique is flawless, his bowing is like singing, and his feel is astounding. I met him at a concert I sang for in a choir. He played bass for the orchestra, and I went to talk to him afterwards. Although we had just met we soon began talking like we had been friends for quite a while. Never have I met someone who was so willing to share all the prized information and lessons he had learned in music, as well as his generosity. We met for drinks and he told me all about his career, and what he knew about the bass. I had asked him if he gave lessons. "I don't want your money, I just want to teach you how to make the bass sing...you know when you hear someone playing with a bow and it just screeches...You can feel the tenseness in their hands." He then looked at me and said "The bass is a beautiful instrument, and when it sounds that way it just goes 'AAAAAAHHHHHHH'". At that moment I knew exactly what he meant. We talked a bit more about some other things and where he went to school etc.

We met up for lunch at a nice place a few weeks later and talked some more. It was a rainy Thursday and I had my bass in my car. We drove back to his house in the pouring rain. I followed him up and up the road, farther and farther away from the city and all the chaos, noise, and bustle that it held. When we reached his house I was in awe of how beautiful the surrounding mountains and greenery were. I unloaded my bass and we walked in. I met his girlfriend who plays cello and she welcomed me into their home. We walked into the living room....never had I found such an amazing place to practice. There was a Steinway piano and 2 very expensive basses on the wall next to it. The walls were a warm white, and beautiful pieces of art were hung on the walls. I could feel the energy that he and his girlfriend created in the house with their instruments. I felt very inspired and also intimated to play. I was in the presence of not one, but two masters of their instruments. I really had no business playing in their house. These people had traveled the world and dedicated their lives to their art. Although I am trying to accomplish the same I was no where near their level.

He helped me fix the bridge on my bass after he saw me play on it for a few minutes. He could tell and sense things about it that I didn't know where possible. After he adjusted the bridge he began to play it. "It's finicky in spots. Some notes on your fretboard aren't as good as others. The same with my bass." He began to play more and stopped. "Do you hear that?", "No" I replied. "The low E...when you play the low E and cover the G string the sound shuts down. It is sympathetically vibrating to help the sound." He also told me that every note has a perfect spot on the string to bow with and if you slide your bow down  the strings it will catch it, as if it is meant to be there. I really couldn't believe he had completely dissected my bass in a matter of minutes. He then showed me how to hold a french bow, and it was a bit different than the way I had been taught before but felt great. We sight read some music and played a blues. I was embarrassed to miss a lot of the notes when we read but he was patient "You're not a reader huh?" he said. "I'm working on it..." I smiled. He showed me some more music he had done for movies. Also some scores that John Williams had given him to play. It was a history lesson in the art of recording music for TV and Film.

But then he took my bass and played it again with his bow. He made my cheap plywood Chinese bass sing with the sorrow of a million broken hearts, so beautiful yet so sad. I couldn't believe the sound that he made come from what I had been playing for a few years. It flowed, it sang, it breathed with the intensity and quality of a fine instrument. After that he offered me a glass of beer. We went out to the back and talked more. I told him about what I had been through, all the pain and suffering, and dealing with Lyme disease and chronic pain. I told him about what I wanted to do with music, about how I was engaged, what had happened the past 2 years, and how I was so honored and grateful to meet as amazing a person as he was. I told him that I am always in physical pain and the only time it stops is when I play music, and it's the most beautiful in the world. I asked if he knew the tune Beautiful Love, and he said he doesn't remember names but if he heard it he might know it. So I offered to play it for him.

We walked back inside and I picked up my bass. It was the first time that kind of feeling had ever happened with picking up the instrument. I was going to play for him, but I was also going to show him who I was. I was going to speak to him through my bass and I knew he would listen. Everything seemed to work, the bass felt like it was just apart of me and when I wanted to do something it did it. It was really some of the finest playing I had ever done at that point I feel like. It wasn't perfect, but even when I missed a note, or wasn't on pitch I knew he knew what I was trying to say and that it was ok. Afterwards he helped me load my bass into my car and I asked him, "Do you really think I can do this? Am I good enough to be a professional?" He looked at me and said "You're very talented and I think you can, but you're starting late in life. I'm not the best teacher because I wasn't the best student, but whenever I can I will teach you what I know."

Putter's Lesson

I began to practice in the morning a few days ago on the bass. I was doing some bowing work and needed some rosin but didn't have any. I called a friend of mine, Putter Smith, to ask if I could borrow some. He said sure thing, to come by in 20 minutes. I walked over to his place about a block away and went back to his studio. To make a brief description of Putter I would say that he is the warmest, kindest, looking man you could ever see. And beyond that this man knows his music. He  oozes it. And not just the notes, or the technique, or the nuts and bolts. He knows the ESSENCE of music. What extends beyond any book ,class, lesson, or etude. You can feel his playing in a very special way when he picks up the bass.

I asked him if I could watch his practice routine and he agreed. He started with a 3 finger technique that involved attacking each separate string with each different finger. He would start on open strings and hit the E with his index, A with his middle, and D with his ring. He would then skip the next string and repeat the process till he cycled through all variations. Once he was done with that he started the cycle with his middle finger, and once he finished that he start the cycle with his ring finger. After he finished playing open strings he began running scales up and down the neck. After the scales came the arpeggios, and to top it all off he would do it staccato at the end. It was the mos intense 10 minutes I had ever seen. The energy in that room skyrocketed the second he started. It was a true art from to see a master hone his craft. "I do this everyday, and once I start I don't stop."  He explained about the long process that it took to reach a point where it would get easier, and then as soon as it did he would change up the exercises. I told him how amazing it sounded and how great it was to see it. He replied "well just wait...I'm not done yet. I sight read some stuff out of this book. I usually work on it for a month or two to where it gets musical. But it sounds horrible until then."

I thought he was joking, I don't think I've ever heard Putter sound bad...But he opened up the book and started to bow this music. It was all thumb position, and hard shit. It sounded so bad....like a kid had picked up the bass for the first time and tried to sight read. The bow didn't connect in spots, the intonation was off, the time faltered in spots. But he never stopped playing. Every now and again he would yell "Oh man, I'm fucking this up bad..." But he kept going. "I submit myself to this. I keep going until it ends no matter how bad it sounds. I have to force myself to get through it, and after the 2 months it gets to the point where it starts to sound like music" I was really surprised...I was sure he would be able to do this stuff...but I asked him if it was written for bass.  "Oh no...this is a classical trumpet concerto book." It was all in treble cleft and insane leaps all over. It looked intense.

He then taught me a bowing exercise that involved making a consistent sound across all bowing points. Closer to the fretboard the bowing is louder with less movement. But the lower you go towards the bridge the less speed you need to create the same sound. I would start bowing near the fretboard and then count how many beats it took to get to the frog of the bow. Once I did that I then shift positions to the middle of the strings between the bridge and fretboard. I then had to count how many beats it took to get the same volume in that place as the last one. It added about 3 beats, and near the bridge added about 4.

After that we talked a little bit about music and his experiences. When I was leaving he told me he is envious of people who quit music. "I really admire someone who can quit. I wish I had the balls to do it, but I'm too scared. Music is what I do, and it is a part of who I am. It is a terrible profession, but if you know it is your only choice then it is your only choice."

That was a very special day.